À Jamais
by SmellsLikeSunshine
Summary: They had always been together. Always. But as time passes, people change. Circumstances change. Lives change. Starring Caelan, one of my old ocs, and Naoki, an old friend's. Watch out for homo.


Please pardon any grammar/spelling mistakes and let me know about them. I know my diction and syntax leave a lot to be desired, but my spelling deficiency is really getting worse as time passes.

Caelan could have sworn that Naoki was his best friend.

After all, they'd been next-door neighbors since birth. They were at each other's house so often, Caelan had been a near-resident of Naoki's house, and Naoki of Caelan's. They were never apart, save for the summers when they went to visit their respective families in Korean and Japan. They had grown up together, nearly brothers.

Except Caelan would be damned before he felt anything for his little sister the way he felt for _him_.

They were so different, if they hadn't lived in such close proximity with one another (and hadn't had such loquacious mothers), they probably wouldn't have talked to each other. Caelan was outgoing and happy-go-lucky, and perhaps a little slow on the uptake. Naoki was quieter, shyer, and book-smart. Caelan had a tendency to stand out more, and attracted people naturally. Naoki, though not repellant, was more on the introverted side. But, having been brought up together, they stuck together. They knew each other, and understood each other. And they were happy, playing together, teasing Yunna, Caelan's sister, and growing up.

But inevitably, as they grew older, things changed. They were no less close, nor any less comfortable around each other. It was nothing tangible: rather, it was internal. Their transition from friendship to...whatever it became was so subtle, it would be impossible to set a date to it. It was probably around when they turned 18. The transition point in so many lives, when one is forced to seriously consider the future for the first time. When those who choose to take on higher education must pick a school that may be the deciding factor in their careers, and the direction of their lives.

Caelan hadn't thought about it at all until that point. That was how he was: carefree. But Naoki was different. He was in the habit of planning ahead, and had secretly been considering studying in Japan for a while. On his last visit there, he had toured several schools to consider applying to. He hadn't gathered his courage to tell Caelan yet. It was the first secret between them in their entire lives. A barrier, intangible, but real. And Caelan felt it. Where once Naoki had told him everything, Caelan sensed reservation, and it hurt. Averted eyes, elusive answers in reply to questions about his trip – it was bewildering and alarming.

At first, Caelan worried he had done something wrong, something to upset his friend, though he couldn't imagine what. But he soon forgot to wonder where this barrier sprang from, instead wondering why it was bothering him so much. Naoki – his Naoki – wasn't telling him something. Sure, they were best friends, but it's impossible for anyone to be entirely open about everything to anyone, right? If it were anyone else, Caelan was sure, he wouldn't care nearly as much. It was none of his business what someone didn't want to tell him. But Naoki was different.

Different how? Somehow, being life-long best friends didn't seem to cover it. Sure, it hurt that he wasn't being told something. But it hurt even more because it was Naoki. Because he had taken him for granted for so long. Because there was something between them that was making him distance himself from Naoki on his own.

It was even worse when Naoki finally told him. Caelan had never been so angry, scared, devastated in his life.

Naoki.

Not seeing him for months, even years, at a stretch.

When they had been seeing each other every day for 18 years.

Across the world.

When they had rarely been more than a stone's throw away from each other.

The sudden knowledge was such a blow, such a blow. Like Naoki was being taken away, at that very moment.

And for a moment, he couldn't speak. Naoki was hurt, scared: he had no idea what to expect. And he felt guilty, having held it back for weeks.

Even after Caelan regained control over his emotions, it was a while before he could say anything.

"...you haven't decided for sure yet, right?"

"No, but...I'm pretty sure I will. Go to Japan, I mean."

More shock.

"...I'm sorry for not telling you earlier. I just...needed to think about it on my own for a while."

And then Caelan said something that shocked them both.

"Don't leave me." He reached out and hugged Naoki fiercely. "Don't you dare leave me."

Naoki was rigid in his arms, frozen with surprise.

"I...wha- Caelan, let go, please-" he stuttered, reddening. "No." Caelan's face was set, but underneath he was a roiling mess of emotion. "I'm not letting you go until you say you'll stay." "But-"

He could feel Naoki's heart racing, and his own, at each other's proximity. After reaching puberty they had somehow come to a silent, mutual agreement that they wouldn't touch.

"...have you even decided where you'll go? Have you thought about it at all?"

Caelan blinked.

He hadn't, of course he hadn't.

Naoki sighed. "I just...wanted to get things settled early. We can't..." He bit his lip. "We can't be together forever. Things...change."

He couldn't have chosen a more effective weapon.

"Nao, I-" Caelan closed his eyes, frowning as he struggled to keep his feelings under control. "But I want us to be together forever." He bit his lip, realizing how childish he sounded. But, gradually, he began to realize what he was feeling not childish at all. Naoki cut in on his thoughts earnestly.

"Cae, be realistic, I don't want to leave you either but-" "You don't understand." Caelan tightened his arms around his....friend? Brother? Or...

"I love you."


End file.
